Today is not a very good day. Most days I go about my business like nothing is even different. Because you know what? I don't feel any different. I don't feel sick. I'm still running 20-30 miles each week. I go to work everyday. I clean my house and feed my kids and it's life as usual. I feel like every conversation I have about my cancer with a doctor or with a friend, I feel like it's a story about someone else. Like I'm reading a book or a news article about someone in the community.
But it is me.
It's Me. I have cancer. It still feels fake even as I'm typing it.
And today, even though I know that I have the non-aggressive markers, even though I know it's not in my lymph tissue, even though my PCP said it was 100% curable, today, I'm scared.
My breast surgeon called me two days ago with the results of the MRI I had. I have another spot in the same breast in a different area. It doesn't change the stage of my cancer or anything about the treatment except I now need to go back for another ultrasound. She wants a marker in the spot where the second tumor is. It's another one smaller than 1 cm, but seriously? Another tumor? This really pissed me off. Like it's not bad enough that I'm 46 years old and have one tumor. I need to have two? ugh
The right breast was clear so that's good at least. It doesn't help me much with my decision about choosing to have a single or double mastectomy, but at least that one is clear. One less tit to worry about, I suppose.
So today all I can think about is the what ifs. What if I can't work? What if it comes back? What if it's somewhere else and I have no idea because I AM HEALTHY GODDAMN IT!!
I am supposed to live to be 80 years old and see my kids get married and have kids and graduate college (not necessarily in that order....) etc etc. That's what I am supposed to do. But something like this makes you look at your own mortality at a time when I'm not supposed to have to do that.
This is probably going to be no big deal. I'll get the surgery, I'll get new boobs and I'll move on. But today I feel a little scared. I don't want all kinds of pity and boo hoo's and sobbing though. That just makes me feel worse. Probably the nicest thing said to me so far was from someone I never would have expected. What was said? I will be there every step. Almost made me cry. Almost.
Schedule of events for the next two weeks:
1/18 8:00 a.m.--consultation with plastic surgeon
1/18 2:45 p.m.--another ultrasound and possible biopsy and insertion of clip at other tumor site
1/27 7:00 a.m.--surgery arrival time
Two weeks from now this will be all over with.
At least I hope so. I hope there are not any more surprises.